I had a cat several years ago named Twiggy. I was a student back then, reading psychology textbooks for hours and hours, and Twiggy spent many of those hours curled up on my lap. I loved that cat!
But do you know what? Twiggy never – not one single time – had dinner waiting for me when I got home from work. She never asked me how my day was, never picked up my dry cleaning, never washed my car.
“Well, DUH,” I can hear you saying. “Of course she didn’t do those things. She’s a freaking CAT!”
And of course you’re right.
I could have screamed at Twiggy for being selfish and inconsiderate.
I could have stopped buying her favorite treats or started paying more attention to the Doberman next door.
I could have enlisted my friends, Twiggy’s family members and even God to get Twiggy to do what I wanted.
But none of that would have mattered because Twiggy was a cat. She was a good cat. She didn’t become bad simply because she didn’t do what I may have wanted, expected, begged or demanded her to do.
It’s the same way with certain people in our lives.
Sometimes a mother, a spouse, a sibling or a boss doesn’t communicate with us using precisely the words we’d like to hear. Sometimes they forget our birthday, neglect to say “I love you,” refuse to apologize when they’ve hurt us, or hang out in bars with their buddies after work rather than come home to be with us.
Are they bad people because they don’t do what we want?
Maybe not.
Just like a cat, perhaps they’re simply incapable of loving us the “right” way. It’s possible they’re not intentionally trying to hurt us.
Perhaps they’re doing the very best they can.
If that’s true, then maybe the problem is not them at all. Maybe the problem is us.
(I know. It’s hard to believe. But just for the sake of discussion, let’s continue.)
Accepting others for who they are with no demands to be different can be extremely liberating.
Acceptance isn’t easy, however, because it requires us to look within ourselves.
Why am I so upset? What exactly do I need? What do I want? What part of me is hurt, afraid, lonely or angry? Does this situation remind me of similar experiences in my past?
I can continue to blame others for my unhappiness.
But that will result in repeating the same mistakes.
In my example, I’ll get increasingly resentful, demanding and inflexible with Twiggy until I can’t take it anymore. I’ll leave. I’ll find someone new.
And then, when Frisky, Smokey, Blackie and Mittens also fail to cater to my culinary requirements, I can loudly exclaim that “All cats are worthless,” “You can’t trust any of them” or “They’ll just take whatever they want and leave you when they’ve milked you dry.”
If, on the other hand, I accept Twiggy as she is, I can explore my reasons for demanding far more from cats (or people) than they possibly can provide.
If I assume that I don’t have the power to force others to change, I can change myself, develop more realistic expectations or find someone better able to provide what I truly need.
The bottom line is this:
Cats don’t cook dinner. If I’m hungry, I need to learn to feed myself or find someone capable – and willing – to cook dinner for me.
Who are the cats in your life? As your therapist, I can help you figure that out.
Give me a call at 720.837.3466 or fill out the contact form on this page, and let’s get started.
Don’t wait another day. It’s your turn now. It’s time to heal.
