Many of my clients come to therapy with an “anger problem.” They believe that anger is bad, that it has no place in relationships, and that “controlling” anger means to eliminate it.
It’s true that explosive anger can demolish a relationship. Over time, verbal attacks, intimidation and physical threats destroy trust and extinguish love. People who mean the most to you learn to fear and avoid you.
But there’s nothing wrong with anger itself.
Like hunger, anger is just a feeling. What we do with that feeling (e.g., fix ourselves a sandwich or rob a McDonald’s) is what matters.
In our relationships, the trap for many of us is our tendency to keep quiet rather than talk about what’s bothering us. We think we’re controlling our anger, but we’re really just stuffing it. Over time, our anger builds up.
Then, when a potato chip drops on the floor, we explode. This makes us – and the people around us – more certain we have an anger problem, so we continue the cycle of stuffing and exploding.
The key to breaking this cycle begins with recognizing this simple truth:
Anger almost always conceals disappointment, frustration, sadness or fear.
If we learn to express these deeper feelings in a calm, respectful way, our partners are more likely to listen and respond favorably to us than if we scream at them, threaten to leave them or punch holes in the wall.
Consider that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s apathy.
If I care about my relationship with you, I’ll fight for it. If I don’t care, I won’t bother. Appropriately expressed anger, then, can heal a relationship and even make it stronger.
The bottom line is this:
Anger is simply an emotion. We have the choice of how we express it. Our choices determine our happiness. They also determine the strength and longevity of our relationships.
As your therapist, I can help you figure out what’s beneath your anger; identify ways for you to recognize anger before it explodes; learn techniques to cope with anger; and find healthy, productive ways to communicate your anger.
Give me a call at 720.837.3466 or fill out the contact form on this page, and let’s get started.
Don’t wait another day. It’s your turn now. It’s time to heal.
