Imagine yourself driving through Fast Food Heaven. (You know the place. It’s that two-mile stretch of prime real estate where Taco Bell, Del Taco, McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Arby’s, El Pollo Loco and every other fast food restaurant imaginable are all conveniently located.)
You’re not just hungry, you’re really hungry. You’re starting to feel weak and jittery. So you pull into the first drive-through you can find. It may not be your first choice, but anything is better than nothing when you’re starving.
But what if you’re just a little bit hungry? Will you keep driving until you find what you really want? Something, maybe, that’s better for you and will help you feel better about yourself in the long run?
It’s too late, though, when you’re starving. If you wait too long to eat, you become desperate to quench your hunger as soon as possible. You don’t think; you react.
The same is true in relationships.
Especially when a marriage, romance or partnership ends, it’s normal to lose all perspective. We become frantic. We focus only on our pain.
We ask ourselves: What if no one else ever wants me? What if I’m alone the rest of my life? What’s wrong with me?
Caught in this fear and hopelessness, we become starved for love, attention and affection. We’re desperate to end our suffering right now.
So we grab onto the first person to come along. It’s easy to believe we’ve found true love. And sometimes we do. Usually, though, we don’t.
And deep down we know the reason:
Life just doesn’t work that way.
Despite what we see in the movies, no one can make us feel loved if we genuinely feel defective and unlovable. In time, our fears resurface. Jealousy takes over. Inner doubts chip away at our happiness. The desperation persists.
The solution is simple – but far from easy.
We need to fill ourselves up, love ourselves, nurture ourselves and give ourselves time to heal. Only when we create a loving, nurturing, satisfying relationship with ourselves can we create the same with a romantic partner.
This doesn’t mean you have to give up junk food.
Just don’t confuse it with a gourmet meal that you’ll savor, enjoy and even remember fondly over time. There’s a difference between eating and dining.
Similarly with people, quick friendships and easy conversations have their place in fulfilling some of our basic needs. We just can’t confuse brief, surface-level interactions with true relationships that are meaningful, significant, long-lasting and, sometimes, hard work.
The bottom line is this:
When we’re starving for food, we can’t trust ourselves to make the healthiest choices. When we’re starving for love, we really can’t trust ourselves to make the healthiest choices.
As your therapist, I can help you learn to identify and select options for yourself that are more loving, nurturing and healthy.
It’s only when you feel complete and full as a person that you’ll be able to say no to things – whether food or people – that aren’t good for you.
Give me a call at 720.837.3466 or fill out the contact form on this page, and let’s get started.
Don’t wait another day. It’s your turn now. It’s time to heal.