We can learn amazing lessons about successful relationships from animal trainers.
I’m not talking about getting a monkey to dance around in a tutu. Sure, that’s amusing, but teaching a killer whale to jump 25 feet out of the water with a trainer on its nose is astounding.
Have you ever wondered how they do it?
Even before trainers jump into the water with a whale, they spend up to three years getting to know it. Trainers look in the whale’s eyes, rub it down, mimic its movements, engage it in play and just hang out.
Once they build a friendship, the trainers develop very specific goals for what they want the whale to do. Then they break down each goal into incredibly small pieces – and reward the whale for every small success.
If the goal is drenching the audience with water, for example, the trainers give it mackerel when it creates the tiniest splash. Over time, the whale must generate larger and larger splashes to win a tasty treat.
Equally important, the trainers simply ignore all actions that don’t contribute to the desired result. In other words, “good” actions get rewarded; “bad” behaviors get nothing at all.
If the whale won’t do what’s expected, the trainers take responsibility. They reevaluate their goals, revise expectations and explore how their own behaviors might be negatively impacting the whale’s progress.
The same techniques can be used with your spouse and kids.
Author Amy Sutherland wrote an amusing article in The New York Times several years ago about how she used whale-training techniques with an exotic animal called the American husband.
Rather than nag when he left clothes on the floor (which rarely resulted in a positive response anyway), she praised him when he picked up a single sock. When he complained (again) about losing his keys, she didn’t say – or do – anything at all.
These techniques worked so well, Ms. Sutherland wrote, that she decided to tell him what she had been doing. They had a good laugh about that.
A few weeks later, she realized her husband had been using the same techniques on her.
What does your spouse or kid want?
If you’d like to follow their example, one key to success is identifying the best reward for your “exotic animal.”
For example, one of my clients recognized that his annoying younger brother’s reward was to spend more time with him. By promising to play a game in 30 minutes, my client earned his own reward: time by himself free from the clinginess of his brother.
Resolving parent-child conflicts is a bit trickier. No parent should ignore behaviors that threaten their child’s safety (e.g., running into the street) or long-term success (e.g., using drugs or refusing to do homework).
However, I’ve found that the most effective reward for children is attention from their parents. Trips to Disneyland and expensive videogame consoles are great, but time is better.
Parents communicate love and appreciation for their kids when they hang out, share interests or even do chores together.
Quality time + quantity time = healthy relationships.
Similarly, both quality time and quantity time are essential for healthy adult relationships.
Just as with whale trainers, it’s important to know your partner’s likes and dislikes; how he or she thinks; and what behaviors are within – or beyond – their capabilities.
If the “training” isn’t going as planned, explore what you might change in yourself to improve the outcomes. Also consider the possibility that your partner’s comments and behaviors aren’t personal.
She bought the “wrong” shaving gel for you? Maybe they sold out of the “right” one. He never says the words “I’m sorry”? Perhaps he communicates his apology in other ways.
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt goes a long way in building a loving relationship.
The bottom line is this:
Human beings respond to praise, encouragement, time and affection just like whales do. Criticism, the “silent treatment” and nagging tend to perpetuate conflict rather than resolve it.
As your therapist, I can help you develop new strategies and techniques to improve your relationships with your partner, your kids and, perhaps most importantly, with yourself.
Give me a call at 720.837.3466 or fill out the contact form on this page, and let’s get started.
Don’t wait another day. It’s your turn now. It’s time to heal.
