Whoever came up with the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” must have been living on a different planet than the rest of us.
It’s true that sticks and stones can cause quite a bit of damage. They certainly should be avoided.
But words can be far more powerful and devastating in the long run.
In fact, an ongoing pattern of angry words and overall negativity will kill a relationship. Guaranteed.
Relationship guru John Gottman, Ph.D., has conducted numerous studies and experiments on what makes marriages thrive – or collapse. He states that he can observe a couple for as little as five minutes and then predict with 91 percent accuracy whether their relationship will last.
Arguments about kids, chores, sex, in-laws and money exist in all marriages, Gottman says.
What makes or breaks a marriage is the way couples argue.
On one hand are partners who genuinely enjoy each other’s company, demonstrate mutual respect, and accept differences with kindness and understanding.
On the other hand are couples who allow negative feelings to overpower the positive. They’re unable to repair hurt feelings and unwilling to reach agreements. Their conflicts spiral out of control.
Words matter. What we say is important.
Gottman identifies four communication patterns that doom relationships. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism
It’s OK to complain about a behavior. (“I’m pissed off that you left the dishes in the sink again.”) Complaints can be resolved and even strengthen a relationship.
Criticism, though, attacks a person’s character. (“What’s wrong with you? Can’t you do anything right?”) Criticisms are like termites eating away at the relationship’s foundation. Before you notice the damage, it’s too late to do anything about it.
Contempt
Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling and mockery, Gottman asserts, poison relationships. Adding threats and provocations (“So what are you gonna do about it?”) intensifies the harm and makes problem-solving impossible.
Defensiveness
It’s normal to defend ourselves when under attack, but defensiveness often backfires.
For example, if you blame me for something and I get defensive, I’m basically saying that you’re the problem, not me. Most likely, you’ll disagree rather than back down or apologize. The result is increased conflict, not resolution.
Stonewalling
Once criticism, contempt and defensiveness become common patterns in a relationship, someone is likely to run away – either physically or emotionally.
When one partner looks down, avoids eye contact and remains perfectly silent, the message is clear: “Even if I hear what you’re saying, I don’t care.”
The bottom line is this:
Bones heal and bruises fade. Angry words, however, chip away at the soul.
As your therapist, I can help and your partner develop a new vocabulary. You’ll learn that words can heal your relationship rather than harm it.
Or, if it’s already too late, I’ll help you recover from the past and prepare yourself for a far better future.
Give me a call at 720.837.3466 or fill out the contact form on this page, and let’s get started.
Don’t wait another day. It’s your turn now. It’s time to heal.
