Two of the most powerful words in the English language are and and but.
In a split second, the word but can demolish our most loving thoughts, kindest words and best intentions. For example:
- “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my entire life, but …”
- “I’m sorry your dog got hit by a car, but…”
But is a delete button.
Everything you say before the word but evaporates; everything after but magnifies. But transforms apologies into excuses and compliments into insults.
Similarly, but can make us feel guilty and ashamed.
In our attempt to forgive others and move on from the past, we can justify their offensive and violent behaviors while condemning our own natural and reasonable responses.
This often occurs when a parent says or does something hurtful. For example, a mother may scream that her child should have been aborted. A father may repeatedly drive drunk with his daughter alongside him.
As adults, the son may accept that his mother felt trapped in an unhappy marriage with dismal options for the future. The daughter may recognize that her father experienced wartime trauma and needed to numb his memories to function at all.
So the son might conclude: “My mom said some horrible things, but she wasn’t always abusive. In fact, she could be quite loving at times. It was wrong for me to hate her.”
And the daughter might believe: “I thought I was going to die every time I got in the car, but he was sick and did the best he could. I don’t have a right to feel this way.”
But is black or white. And is gray.
By severing the link between contrasting viewpoints, but requires us to choose only one as valid, correct or more important.
And, however, makes it OK for both points of view, both opinions or both feelings to exist side by side.
With and, we don’t have to choose one and dismiss the other. We can experience two conflicting thoughts and feelings at the same time. Both can both be true. For example:
“I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my entire life and I refuse to live with someone who isn’t faithful.”
“I’m sorry your dog got hit by a car and I’ve asked you repeatedly to lock the gate before you leave for work.”
“My mom said some horrible things and she was quite loving at other times. I hated her then – who wouldn’t? – and I love her now.”
“I thought I was going to die every time I got in the car and I’m safe now. My dad really terrorized me as a kid and I have so much compassion for him – and for myself – now.”
The bottom line is this:
You have a right to all of your thoughts and feelings even when they contradict themselves. And allows you to embrace each part of yourself without judgment; but forces you to accept some parts and deny or condemn others.
As your therapist, I can help you experience greater acceptance, love, compassion and forgiveness for your entire self. It’s only then that you’ll be able to let go of anger, judgment and resentment toward others.
Give me a call at 720.837.3466 or fill out the contact form on this page, and let’s get started.
Don’t wait another day. It’s your turn now. It’s time to heal.
